You read the title, so don't say we didn't warn ya!
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Warning to the Public:
That's right folks! It's time to take a rain check on that open house.
Hestia's Spider is officially back to commit its annual massacre upon weary travelers, unsuspecting couch-hoppers, and unlucky Jehovah's Witnesses.
Though we've been watching events unfold since day one, the CCPD has requested us to break our silence. This comes in light of the vanishing of Mindy Walborrow- now thought to be the seventh victim within the last month.
Mindy Walborrow was the sole heir to the famed Walborrow Estate after her father, mother, brother, two sisters, their butler, their notary, and Shih Tzu were discovered choking on seawater at the bottom of the Satin Bay.
While we at Lighthouse 31 aren't ones to allow the need for 'social order' to ruin a quality dose of aromatic paranoia, we concede that everyone would sleep better knowing no one was itching to torch their house during those crucial twilight hours. This article will hopefully keep you up to speed on all related happenings regarding Hestia's Spider. No one wants a repeat of last year's Scorched Suburb incident.
Over half of the City's bungalows were needlessly destroyed, while the ONE causing the panic was missed entirely.
The City Council is now pushing a amendment to train our local arsonists in the careful art of destroying other people's property properly.
New Home, Same Spider:
Before anyone goes burning more bungalows, let it be known that Hestia's Spider has officially retired its three-bedroom, one-bath appearance.
The bungalow was found abandoned near the 7th Gate to the Dark Woods. Lighthouse P.I. Amon Reed confirmed this after discovering the property to have, "a downright embarrassing number of family photos and an absurd number of staircases."
He also noted, "there are enough bones here to account for five years of dastardly murders, but it seems the Spider hightailed it a few hours ago. It's always one step ahead of us."
Hestia's Spider was last spotted last night in the industrial district of Notchback & Waters by an Ogre named Phillip Grass. Its new body was that of a late Victorian-style home with- and I quote: "too many chimneys."
Mr. Phillip Grass informed P.I. Reed that the Spider was attempting to lure several pedestrians with soothing music, the smell of baked goods, and voices of family. He swore one voice was that of his own mother.
After the interview, P.I Reed made a note to reach out to his own mother, but hasn't specified why since he has said on several occasions, "I hope she dies in a fire."
This behavior is typical for Hestia's Spider, as it matches every account going back to its first victim in December of 1929.
What You Can Do:
To prevent another Scorched Suburb incident, where we go about burning every Victorian home we find, here are a few helpful tips. Each was carefully thought out for 47 hours straight by our on-sight staff.
Stay Home! Don't go walking outside in the dead of night! Don't put yourself in a situation where a giant monster-bug-house can gobble you up because you think it's "like totally the 21st century," and "I have the freedom to do what I want with my body." Granted, the latter is a hard point to argue, but if you're not careful, you're gonna freedom your body right down the gullet of a completely avoidable beast and feel really silly.
Never walk alone at night. Always bring a buddy (preferably one slower than you).
Walk with purpose. Always walk as though you are expected somewhere.
If house hunting, always schedule with a trusted realtor. Do your research and never blindly accept solicited invites. To date: 29 single adults have been claimed this way.
Create Checkpoints. Go to public places, and check in with people whether they be family, friends, or co-workers. This gives the opportunity for your absence to be quickly noted.
The Hestia Spider has recently made multiple accounts on Airbnb. Scrutinize the profile! Watch out for overly positive reviews that seem too excited, generic, and vague. A common review says: "I have gone. Now I am not alone! All Finished!" and "I am so proud of you." Amenities will include things such as: "food, family, safety, rules." Hosts' names have included: "Salmon Swiddley, Sasha Sipsis, Mother Mother, McHappy." Payment will not be specified, and the interior may not match the exterior (we are currently unable to find who made these profiles).
Should you find yourself walking back to your odd accommodation alone at night after a long day of blindly house hunting because you're just so much smarter than us, please acknowledge and do the following: if you start smelling something alluring and sweet, bite your tongue. If you hear comforting voices offering sanctuary and safety, cover your ears. Should you see a large Victorian house with too many chimneys blocking your path, run; it'll be too late when its legs come out.
Until the Hestia Spider is caught and brought to justice, please keep to our rules and stay safe. Remember:
"Everything is Fine! You're Not Going to Die!"
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