Icarus Whicker has gone public! The Crag City Council responds.
"There are those who will refute, but we pay them no mind. Without a doubt, there has never been a child sicker than the Molbern Street Hermit: Icarus Whicker."
- Ms. Morri, Mother Head of Fairview Hospital
Ladies and gentlemen of Crag City!
Little could have prepared us for this recent development, leaving us all utterly terrified for our health and wellbeing! Still, we must treat this as a joyous occasion and be happy for Icarus Whicker, as he is officially joins the public (heaven's help us).
The Frightful History!
Though few can corroborate this- outside of his Mother and Grandfather- it is said that Icarus Whicker is so ugly, everyone who ever lays eyes upon him will be driven mad... then turned into stunning stone statues.
The medical staff who performed the C-section at his birth were among the first to provide sufficient proof of his malady. 13 years have passed since that day and our meteorologist, Eleanor Melony, still reports no change to their poor, utterly aghast, stone faces.
Only one nurse was said to have survived the incident. She's since spent the last 13 years in and out of Four Halls Sanitarium. In an exclusive interview, she reveals her method of survival!
The east wing of Fairview Hospital still remains abandoned.
While reporters, researchers, and journalists clamored to get a look at the baby whose looks could literally kill, the City Government and local Law Enforcement prioritized public health and safety over their blogs. To avoid another Petrification Incident, legislation was passed which ordered Icarus' hideous visage to be kept hidden by means of absolute isolation within his family home on Molbern Street. Since then, young Icarus Whicker has lived as an unwilling social outcast with no window to the outside world (with exception to comics, articles about gardening, and literal windows). Because of this, he's earned the title of the Molbern Street Hermit, and has lived as such- until now.
Icarus Meets the World
After 13 years, Icarus Whicker has finally gotten a break! A recent appeal by the Whicker family has led to a repeal of his forced isolation.
Despite protests by parents, environmental activists, health & safety officials, teachers, and college students who believe his horrific face perpetuates hate speech; Icarus is no longer required by law to avoid public places. He is now free to walk about like any other 13-year-old. This new development was further highlighted by last month's Town Hall meeting, where his enrollment in the Public School System was announced.
There it was decided Icarus would attend Dergis Bean Public Highschool- after Principal Bell Ellen lost the best-of-three coin toss.
Principal Bell Ellen was later quoted saying: "I also had dreams."
All and all, this has been met with mixed emotions, and no one embodies this more than Icarus himself. In an exclusive interview with Crag City Gazette, he ran away.
Citizens consistently express concerns in regards to the safety of their children, and the City Council were all too keen to devise their own solution without bothering to consult us at Lighthouse Inc.
Paper Bag
On the eve of his release, the Crag City Council decided Icarus must always wear a brown paper bag over his head in order to be in public.
When asked whether or not this was insensitive, the Crag City Council responded, "We've gone to great lengths to treat this matter with sensitivity and solidarity. We're proud to say that the paper bag is indeed made from 100% recycled sardine cans. This reduces our carbon emissions, while covering that kid's fugly face."
Yes, Icarus is free to be a student. Yes, he's free to go to public events, but he can only do so from beneath a paper bag. The same effect could've been achieved with everyone else wearing blindfolds, but we'll admit that probably wouldn't be too practical. Thank you, Crag City Council- ever the problem solvers.
Reports say when the paper bag was given (slid safely beneath his room door), Icarus simply put it on and asked, "Is this better?" He then proceeded to own it in silence.
No one may say it, but we at Lighthouse 31. will: thank you, Icarus Whicker. Maybe one day you'll be able to take off that blasted, sardine-smelling, environmentally conscious, paper bag; but until then, just remember you're saving lives.
This is R.J. Smithers of Lighthouse Inc- Head Keeper of Lighthouse 31.
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